Lindsay Lohan or Uncle Jesse?
Written by Raffman - May 16th, 2004
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Everyone has their own personal addictions and vices; the one's who say they don't are fucking lying. So as the 21st
birthday comes closer to arrival, just two short Now while I'm not the biggest poker or texas-hold'em player right now, I feel the momentum shifting. Who knows, maybe once I'm drunk off my ass and lose a few benjamins I'll get so pissed off I'll never want to do it again. Eh, now that I really think about it that probably ain't gonna happen.
Take this dumbass for example, Brian Strahl. This deuchebag was scheduled to be sentenced for masterminding an illegal million-dollar investment scheme and instead of going to his sentencing he fucking goes to Vegas to play in the World Series of Poker.
People like this simply amaze me, and it's sad how gambling has taken control of this fucker's life. Well it's more funny than sad, at least from our perspective. He even had the balls to fax his lawyer telling him he decided to play some Poker instead of going to his federal court date. In my opinion this assclown watches Maverick way too much for his own good.
So last night I'm watching Saturday Night Live and I realize the hosts for this week's show are the Olson Twins, yep you heard it, pin a rose on your fuckin nose. I guess yesterday they both turned 18 years of age which ended up causing massive demonstrations of public masturbation from sick, incompetent, horny males around the world.
I think they both still look like they're 10 years old, but hey maybe it's just me. I work at a private golf club every day with retired, rich women who bitch about their crabs all day. Maybe that's affected my eyesight or something ... Nope, they still look like they're 10 years old.
In celebration(?) of their 18th birthday, check out our Full House Spoof in our movies section, fully equipped with DJ, Uncle Jesse, and more good, Christian morals than Seventh Heaven could ever come up with. If any of you are big Bob Sagat fans I would advise you to not watch the movie. In reality though my recommendations are about as effective as the UN's so do whatever the fuck you want.
Sticking with my theme of bad habits and addictions, here is the other half of the human shower tendencies. Again this is courteous of my good friends at BV Designs, check them out. Be sure to check out the linkage at the end, you shall not be disappointed! Are you ever though really? Grandma's my name, spoilin's my game!
How to Shower like a Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut scratch your balls. Proceed to use hand to wipe under nutsack and get a good whiff of the zesty aroma of your ballsweat.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. Make a pouty face because you realize the aroma of your ballsweat has now diminished.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar or bath sponge.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror until the shampoo drips into your eyes, causing you to squeal like a girl.
14. Take a whiz in the shower because walking an extra 2 feet would require too much energy.
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
16. Partially dry yourself off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire weener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed and then coax girlfriend to remove your clothes immediately and proceed to give you head.
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